Mommy Blues

I had a realization this weekend……

I feel insignificant sometimes.  Nick is working.  I'm not.  Nick is going to school.  I'm not.  Nick has a calling, a very time consuming calling I might add, and I do not.  I feel so blah.  I don't belong in the ward we go to, and technically I'm not even in it.  I can't even sit through one meeting or hear anything because I'm too preoccupied with Tristan.  He always is the worse between 12:30 and 3 PM.  So I find myself bouncing up and down in the halls with his scream echoing where everyone can still hear.  

I get so frazzled when he is screaming and crying and I can't make him stop or escape anywhere.  Like yesterday, Nick wanted to go fishing.  I don't mind so much, but when he's in the river and I'm pushing the stroller and holding Tristan watching from the bike path…..it's not very fun.  Especially when Tristan starts crying, very loudly, and I can't get him to stop.  And I'm hoping Nick will hear and take pity on me and say, ok, I can be done, let's go.  So when he didn't, and of course I thought we were doing something else so hadn't dressed appropriately (high heels, jeans, dressy top….90 degrees), I became very agitated and angry, having a complete meltdown at him, which he really didn't deserve.  

I hate being home all day everyday, without even a house key to go take Tristan to the park.  I hate feeling out of place in a singles ward.  I hate missing out on church meetings.  I hate being a maid.  I hate not working and being able to socialize.

But then Nick does something sweet, like he did yesterday after fishing.  He took me up to campus so I could take pictures with my film camera.  And when I see Tristan's face light up with a smile, or hear his little giggle, my heart melts and I remember why I love being a mom.  And then I feel guilty, because I know it's not easy for Nick.  I know it's hard to have that much responsibility, so many things to remember and take care of.   And Tristan isn't being horrible on purpose, he's just a baby.  I just hate feeling like I don't have the same opportunities.  I hate not being able to do things I really want to.  This whole being a woman thing kind of gets to me sometimes.  Having to stay home….be a homemaker, hasn't really made me feel fulfilled.  And maybe that's because I'm not approaching it correctly.  I'm not seeing the importance of my responsibilities as I should.

I think of friends from high school, where they are in their lives.  And sometimes I envy them, things they've been able to do, opportunities I wish I'd had.  And then I think of Nick, and Tristan.  How could I possibly be happier singing on a stage when they are my whole life?  I remember being a wide eyed freshman in college, a music major.  I wanted to be on broadway or in an opera company some day. I still get sad when I realize it's probably never going to happen.  I try and think of things I could do, little hobbies I can keep myself busy with.  Like photography, but that's expensive so I don't get to do it that often.  Scrapbooking was fun, till it got expensive and Tristan got needy.  I love to bake, but who's going to eat it?   I was writing a book, but my ADD brain isn't letting me finish, and I just don't have the energy once I finally get Tristan down for a nap.  That or there is a pile of laundry or stack of dishes calling my name.

Do all new mom's feel this way?  So out of touch with everyone and everything, so overwhelmed, so irritable, so lonely?  Probably, I can just hope that things get better with time.